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Everyone knows that it was Douglas Adam's last wish to be cloned several times so his excellent comedic and satirical genius could live on. They had his brain, they had the technology, and the supposedly had the power? So why did it fail?
Fellow readers, what I'm about to tell you will disappoint and shock you - the actions of Margaret Thacher and Michael Palin are responsible for the failure of the Douglas Adams cloning process. I'll outline how their actions, directly and indirectly, were the cause of economic strife in France that eventually led to the failure of CCP to successfully clone the late and great Douglas Adams. You may need some tissue for this read.
It's always been known that Douglas Adams was the pinnacle of human evolution - intelligent, creative, and humorous - what more could one want in a person? He authored the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, in addition to many other books of hilarious fiction. Society had deemed that it is his responsibility for his genes to live on at any cost, thus the idea to clone him came. Unfortunately human cloning and mind-transfer is difficult using modern computers, but there was one set of supercomputers capable of the task - the Three Magi Supercomputers, currently Controlled by NERV. Their basic program set is already based on that of a living brain (specifically, that of Ritsuko Akagi) so they were ideal of the task of deconstructing and reconstructing the cranial structure of Mr. Adams. But how would they power these massive computers without siphoning energy away from the entire continent of Japan, needed to successfully engage the 5th Angel at the time? This is where CCP comes in.
CCP has been using hamsters in their server technology for quite some time - indeed, it's a miracle that the EVE servers were ever capable of running on anything else. Aside from a few isolated incidents, server performance is generally smooth and CCP has never lost power to their data center. Hamsters have been the reason for this - they can run continuously twenty-four hours a day given the correct supplements, food, and a 5% solution of *****-******* supplied by CCP staff and friends. They had found their solution!
But on that night something went wrong - the hamsters collapsed unexpectedly from exhaustion, an event that has rarely ever occurred in EVE's history. This in itself was not a major problem since backup hamsters were already on hand, but somehow the backup hamsters failed instead! Without power, the Magi Supercomputers were not capable of completing the operation of mapping Adams' brain and the process failed. Not only did it fail, but it backfired, violently obliterating the top half of Douglas Adams' head in the process and spraying brain matter throughout the CCP server room (this debris has actually, due to the divine nature of Douglas Adams' intellect, improved server performance).
But why did the hamsters fail? Because their food supply was corrupted, that is the reason. This pollution was not in any way accidental, either. The credit for this horrible series of events that led to this disaster fall squarely on the shoulders of two individuals - Margaret Thacher and Michael Padin.
It's a known fact that Margaret Thatcher is an incorrigible *****. But the extent of her crimes run much deeper than any foul temperament, because her actions directly and indirectly contributed to the failure of the cloning process. How, you ask? Let me explain.
When Thatcher came to power, she had to deal with a mounting problem of a hunger strike launched by IRA prisoners. Instead of reasoning with the detained men, she refused to cooperate and let them continue their hunger strike for quite some time. Regardless of the political ramifications, this event had a significant impact on several different markets due to the massive drop in food consumption throughout Ireland. The consequences of this I shall discuss briefly.
The second catalyst for the events mentioned above is an incident that was resolved by Thatcher - the Falklands war. This event, precipitated by the invasion of the Falkland Islands by an Argentinean crazy person with followers and guns, had a far-reaching economic impact that was only worsened by the resolution of that conflict by Thatcher (which involved sending a task force to retake the island). She had failed to do her research, and did not realize the potential economic impact this disruption of production in the Falklands (which provides much of England's dairy products) would have on her home country.
Over several years, the impending shortage of food caused by the events mentioned above was noted by the crafty businessmen of France, and production of food - specifically dairy products - rose to record levels. It was at this time that the consumption of cheese and wine became popular, purely through the force of association created by Frances presence in both dairy and wine markets.
At approximately the same time, Monty Python became popular, specifically long-time Python member Michael Padin. This resulted in an 83% increase in bouts of uncontrollable laughter throughout the 80s and 90s across europe, which contributes to negative bowel movements and constipation. These effects were not known until recently, but responsibility for this still falls to Monty Python. Increased constipation is a well-known aspect of Enlishmen, however, so it was overlooked until relatively recently. This did contribute to the consumption of french cheese products - known to relieve intestinal discomfort - throughout the eighties.
The reliance of Europe on France-based cheeses increased throughout the eighties and nineties, but France was running into trouble - they could not keep production in pace with the demand on their economy. To cut costs and increase capacity they began introducing artificial filler materials into their cheese in order to make up for lost production. These additives had very few side effects, and none were applicable to humans. There is one, however, that stands out:
May cause sickness in hamsters in combination with exposure to the corpses of snarky authors
This quote, of incredible importance to CCP and the cloning project, was never printed on the labels of the cheese.
This same cheese, despicably, was shipped to Iceland to power the hamsters of CCPs server, who used it unknowing of the terrible effects it could have. Once they had shipped in Adams' corpse for the cloning proccess, the failure was inevitable and the process failed. From here you can quickly draw the line that leads directly back to France's economic status (specifically the reliance of the Cheese market on outside influences), Margaret Thatcher, and Michael Padin as the causes for this failure. This is only one part of the equation, though.
This same cheese, despicably, was shipped to Iceland to power the hamsters of CCPs server, who used it unknowing of the terrible effects it could have. Once they had shipped in Adams' corpse for the cloning proccess, the failure was inevitable and the process failed. From here you can quickly draw the line that leads directly back to France's economic status (specifically the reliance of the Cheese market on outside influences), Margaret Thatcher, and Michael Padin as the causes for this failure. This is only one part of the equation, though.
By using such a high concentration of cheese in their hamster fuel, CCP has opened themselves up to this kind of catastrophe. A balanced diet might have averted this disaster as the hamsters might not have received fatal doses of the cheese. Whose fault does this eventually fall to? None other than senior Database Administrator CCP PrismX, whose responsibilities include but are not limited to researching the diet of server hamsters. Though the warning was never printed, it had clearly been posted on their website for easy reference. Shame on you, CCP PrismX. Shame.
CCP, how much more of this do we have to tolerate before you learn?
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