Summary: Just imagine a preface on roleplaying, and then a heaping mass of sexual innuendo.
Link: EVE Forums Link

Roleplay has a long and rich history in EVE, but lately it seems to have fallen by the wayside of the grander scale of 0.0 warfare, and the gigantic clashes of player alliances. The current state of roleplay in EVE is poor at best, and this is not something we as a community should be proud of! This game is much more than just “internet spaceships,” the term so commonly thrown about when someone is taking this game too seriously, and many of us are not doing this game justice by declining to engage in roleplay. Even more, roleplay can take a much more active role in EVE than most other games due to it’s open ended nature (more on this later).

But there is a small point of light in this darkness! A few corporations and alliances still participate in the varied and ancient art of roleplaying, and indeed some individuals stand even above those especially in the more taboo forms of roleplay (as this is difficult to roleplay in an entire alliance). Every single one of us here owes our thanks to two individuals who have taken roleplaying in EVE to the next level: Backdoor Bandit and Blackhole Bob. They aren’t afraid to innovate, to breach subjects normally clamped shut to most players, to penetrate our mental barriers and to force their unique mindset into the dark passages of our sensibilities. But I get ahead of myself!

Part 1: What is Roleplay?

In roleplaying, participants adopt and act out the role of characters, or parts, that may have personalities, motivations, and backgrounds different from their own. Roleplaying is like being in an improvisational drama or free-form theatre, in which the participants are the actors who are playing parts, and the audience.

People use the phrase "role-playing" in at least three distinct ways:

* to refer to the playing of roles generally such as in a theatre, or educational setting;
* to refer to a wide range of games including computer role-playing games, play-by-mail games and more;
* or to refer specifically to role-playing games.

Roleplay has a variety of uses, from emergency medicine to personal gratification. It has a varied history (cave paintings have shown evidence of roleplay as early as 8000 B.C. ) and has existed in literature since the time of Jesus, throughout the Medieval ages through the time of Edgar Allen Poe and the Industrial Revolution. It’s primary uses range from training (popular among emergency personnel, who have to deal with stressful situations involving screaming victims) to drama (plays can be called a form of roleplay, can they not?) and more “interpersonal” roleplay which will be discussed later.

Part 2: Amarr-Minmatar Roleplay

The most prominent opportunities for roleplay, of course, occur between the Amarr and Minmatar empires for obvious reasons. The Amarr are a dominant, slaveholding alliance used to throwing their weight around and subjugating all that try and resist, binding them into slavery and subjecting them to their dark will.

The Minmatar are former slaves who recently freed themselves from the weight and force of Amarrian oppression, removing the oppression that had penetrated and permeated their society like a white hot iron, groping blindly at the soul of their own existence. Directly opposed to the dominating Amarr, this young, fresh society (almost supple in their innocence) but hardened, their way of life against the wall in the face of continued aggression for the Amarr, fight long and hard to stay free.

Part 3: RP Organizations

CVA – CVA is a famed Amarrian roleplaying alliance that has survived many of EVE’s wars and has maintained a strong grip on the Providence

PIE – This splinter sect of Amarrians support and worship not the emperor, but the divine mathematic variable that defines the circumference of a circle. They are also great fans of an ancient baked desert consisting of a sweet dough stuffed with various fruits and baked.

Urshra Kahn – The Minmatar Alliance who directly oppose CVA. Though they have been driven from Providence by CVA (I suppose they didn’t tank EM/Thermal), they are still around and no doubt are planning a counterattack of some kind

Sani Sabik – I don’t really know anything about these guys, but they sound pretty cool and appear to be fighting CVA

VETO – They roleplay pirates, and are important consumers of pirate-related goods

IAC – Though the details of this are not known to me at this time, the Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate tends to roleplay my father, down to their recent revocation of their NRDS policy. Please IAC, can you accept that fact that I love you?

Star Fraction – They roleplay anarchists, and are notable for both defeating the non-RP Band of Brothers alliance in the latest tournament and for having a logo that makes me randy

Part 4: The Current State of RP in EVE

Well, I’ll just say that it’s not good. A few talking points:
1. People make fun of RPers
2. Game Changes – POS Warfare harms RP due to lack of realism
3. RP corps aren’t involved in the grand alliance wars
4. RPers are not so smart
5. Lack of AI in cyno jammers
6. Inability to have knife fights in burning buildings
7. CAOD Trolling
8. Lack of individual impact

References:
Role Play x EVE
RP Questions

Part 5: The Real Question – What Can We Do?

Folks, we must obligate outselves to stir the pot! We need to shake up the EVE community with revolutionary RP. We need to sneak up behind them and grab them, evoke their responses, even unwillingly, in order to make them feel the glory that is RP. We have to drill into their soul with our commentary, ram our ideas into the mainstream psyche, even if they bleed a little in the process.

But we need exemplars. We need people who demonstrate these principles, these firm ideas. But who can we look to?

Part 5: Backdoor Bandit and Blackhole Bob

Part 5.1: Backdoor Bandit
Backdoor Bandit founded what may indeed be the most famous of the RP organizations, the Minmatar *** (homosexual) Right’s League. It has existed for over two years, and has frequented the seedy underbelly of many organizations, from the journey of INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE to the closed, tight intellectual spaces of the CAOD forums. He has touched (willingly or unwillingly) the lives of many pod pilots and stood up for his rights as a pod pilot. He is a figure to be respected, feared, and watched. Seriously, don’t take your eyes off him unless you’re in a crowd.

Part 5.2: Blackhole Bob
Blackhole Bob is well-known among his alliance as a capable leader, intelligent fleet commander, and for mentioning EVE gatherings in May 2007. Clearly his accolades have few bounds – he predicted the failure of EVE voice, and even assisted n00bs regarding their security status. His most famous deed until recently was his corporate guide, but no longer!

Part 5.3: Their Copulation
Taken apart, both Blackhole Bob and Backdoor Bandit are excellent players in their own right, but together, they form something much greater, something much more beautiful.

The true extent of the actions that took place several days ago cannot be recounted here, due to both length and the teen rating of the forums, but beautiful if was. Their verbal dance, followed by foreplay that was both incredibly intense, yet subtle, was sure to quell the voices of any critics. What followed- the beauty of the ritual itself, both incredibly arousing and terrifying at the same time, could not possibly have been more grandiose in scale. How could two men, using the Phobos and a Gallentean Outpost, possibly have devised such an intense dance of mind, body, and soul? I don’t know, and maybe I’m simply incapable of wrapping my puckered braing around the sheer girth of this artistry. The soundtrack, Curzon's own Romance in EVE, only served to heighten the atmosphere.

I, for one, stand firmly with these two innovators; they have broken all the boundaries! They have struck deep within the supple minds of traditional pod pilots, and let forth a torrent of emotions and feeling, sighing in pleasure at the mental release. Personally, I may not be able to gain satisfaction from my more normal forms of pleasure for weeks, simply waiting for my legs to regain function, for my mind to slowly float down from this high. Kudos to you, Backdoor Bandit. Kudos to you, Blackhole Bob.

I’ve played with many pod pilots in my time, and while I’m not a roleplayer personally, there were some intense times that I don’t entirely remember – it’s wholly possible that a roleplayer was in the mix, maybe more of them! Maybe I even played along out of curiosity, who knows! But these events make me want to push the envelope farther, to subtly prod and experiment with the prospects of roleplaying with eve, because if there are more pilots out there like those two, there are good times ahead for all of us. Good times ahead.

Amarr Victor! Fabular Victor! Long Live Roleplay in EVE!

Passive Tanking, Autocannons, and the Apocalypse of Battleship PvP

Summary: The Apocalypse Battleship, when using a passive shield tank and autocannons, is overpowered.
Link: EVE Forums Link

First, let’s talk about the Apocalypse…specifically let’s take a look at it’s stats and bonuses:

Special Ability: 10% bonus to Large Energy Turret capacitor use and 5% maximum Capacitor Capacity per level.

With this bonus, the Apocalypse has a dangerously impressive capacitor – with Amarr Battleship 5 and the two Cap Regen and Cap Capacity skills at level 5, this ship receives a mighty 50% bonus to Capacitor Capacity and a 25% bonus to Capacitor Regeneration, giving it 9000 Capacity and a regen time of 865 Seconds – this gives it a maximum Capacitor Regeneration rate of 35 per second (2.4 * 9000/865). This is Point #1.

The next part of the Apocalypse we should look at is its other non-capacitor stats relevant to this discussion:
-625 CPU (500*1.25 for Electronics)
-24375 Powergrid (19500*1.25 for Engineering)
-7 Low Slots
-4 Mid Slots
-8 High Slots (8 Turret, 2 Launcher)

This means that the Apoc. has average CPU, but exceptionally high powergrid and a lot of space for turret systems and as such a potentially high amount of DPS depending on the weapon (not lasers, because they kind of suck). This is Point #2.

Next up we’re going to be looking at the Apocalypse and Shield systems in general. According to the basic stats, with the appropriate shield skills trained to level 5 the mighty Apoc has these stats:

-Shield Capacity: 7762 (6210*1.25)
-Shield Shield Regen: 1875 (2500*0.75)
-Base Shield Regen/second: 14 .16 (2.4*7762/1875)

These stats compare closely to those of the Drake (more capacity, less regen) – this leads to some interesting possibilities that I’ll go into later. This is Point #3.

Next we’re going to be talking about an excellent weapon system used by the Minmatar – the Autocannons. Specifically the battleship-fitted type:

-Powergrid Required: 2200
-CPU Required: 41
-Optimal Range: (4800*1.25)
-Rate of Fire: (7.88*0.75)
-Damage Modifier: (3.234*0.75)
-Tracking: (0.04*1.25)

This means that autocannons, though low in range, have average powergrid requirements, low CPU usage, and excellent damage and tracking for battleship sized weapons, and indeed these weapons are popular in PvP even on non-minmatar ships. Low range but much better damage than lasers, railguns, or artillery, oft-preferred in PvP as well.

% of Range:
-10% Range of Railguns
-11% Range of Beam Lasers
-16% Range of Artillery

Damage per Second:
Railguns: 69% Less Damage
Artillery: 57% Less Damage
Beam Lasers: 76% Less Damage

Another thing to note:

-Activation Cost: 0

This is Point #4

I’m also going to note tracking computers here, specifically how they’re going to be buffed in Revelation’s 3. As you know modules like tracking computers, sensor boosters, and other modules that affect two attributes will be changed so they will have “modes” – their bonus will probably be doubled to make up for this. This means a T2 tracking computer can give a ship a 60% Tracking Bonus, which is significant to say the least. In addition, the tracking computer uses 20 energy with a 30 second activation time, or 0.66 energy per second. This is Point #5

Connecting the Points
All of these things by themselves pose little thread and are generally balanced. The Apocalypse works well with lasers or tanking (#1 and #2) with average shield regen (#3), autocannons offer good damage at close range with low cap use (#4) (though this may be slightly overpowered), and tracking computers will become more impressively powerful with Revelations 3 (#5). Alone, these things are not of much consequence, but by combining them all you can reach a terrifying conclusion:

The Apocalypse Can Be An Overpowered Passive Shield Tanker
Given the fact that X-Large Shield Extenders (6000 shields, 2500 powergrid) are also being added with Revelation’s 3, this allows some interesting things to happen with a properly fitted Apocalypse:

With 3 X-Large Shield Extenders:
Shield Capacity: (6200 + 18000)*1.25 = Over 30K shields

And Now With 4 Shield Power Relays:
Shield Regen: 1875*(0.75^4) = 573 Seconds

Combined, this gives the Apoc an impressive passive shield tank:
30000/573*3.4 = 150 shields regenerated per second

Granted, this is not anywhere near the passive tanking potential of a drake, but a fairly good tank nonetheless. But a setup like this will be completely devoid of damage, correct? Not at all!


Autocannons + Tracking Computers + Damage Mods
The Apocalypse, with the passive tank illustrated above, can still fit the following:
-3 T2 Damage Mods (60% extra damage)
-1 T2 Tracking Computer (60% Tracking)
-8 Large Autocannons

Here are the stats of each large autocannon with the modifications by the damage modules and tracking computer:


-Rate of Fire: (7.88*0.75)*0.89 = 5.25
-Damage Modifier: (3.234*1.25)*1.1 = 4.4
-Tracking: (0.04*1.25)*1.6 = 0.08 (Double base tracking!)

New Damage Per Second:
(5.25/4.4) = 1.12

Adjusted for the base tracking and how this influences the amount of wrecking shots (which cause twice as much damage as a normal shot…since the amount of wrecking shots is doubled regarding their normal occurance, our total damage modifier per second is:

2.24

Conclusion:
With 8 autocannons, double tracking, and three damage modifiers couples with a tracking computer that uses minimal capacitor energy, the Apocalypse is capable of tanking very well and dealing a large amount of damage without most of the weaknesses other setups would suffer from (cap boosters, choosing between gank and tank). Group of these ships distributed across a gate could destroy anything coming through (due to overlapping range) and be impervious to any sustained attack because their tank would not be easily defeated by long-range weapons.

I suppose the reason that this hasn’t been brought to light before this point is because not many players have Amarr Battleship trained to 4 or 5, few Amarr players use autocannons, and even fewer have powerful shield skills – perhaps none even.

I leave it to CCP to determine how to solve this issue, but I feel like it needs to be brought to their attention at the very least. I have also e-mailed Kieron and Wrangler regarding this issue, and would like to see them respond to the arguments I have made.

MC Isn't out of the fight yet!

Summary: The Mercenary Coalition will be attempting to cut off the supply of veldspar from high-security space in order to harm the Coalition's ability to construct capital ships.
Link: EVE Forums Link

I recently made a post in general discussion about the problems caused by the new modifications to ore and compression in Revelations 3, and how this shows developer sympathy towards certain players, but that’s not all. I watch these forums a lot and I think you guys know a lot about politics (especially the posts by WhatIsItGoodFor) but theres something that youre missing here that I’ve uncovered.

Mercenary Coalition Isn’t Done Fighting Yet

That’s right people, MC may say that they’re not on contract anymore (and goons say thet theyre ****ed off at Bob) but its neither of those reasons, and mercenary coalition will still be fighting on BoBs side but in a more subtle way. Red alliance has kind of the same idea but they might not be as organized so it wont work. But before I start I’ll review what I posted in the other forum:
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Basically the fact that CCP is making mineral compression not work as much anymore is because low end mineral prices will go up and make Chribba richer because CCP wants to pay him back for making all his eve related websites (the link is in my sig by the way).
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But this is only really half of what’s going on here! MC is going to be using capitals or supercapitals (they have a lot) to camp lowsec without having to worry…but despite what some people may think this isn’t being done just for ****s and giggles – Mercenary Coalition will be fighting the export of minerals from empire before the compression nerf goes through.

Why are they doing this? Because this is part of SirMolle’s plan to win the war (though his alliance is like him being the one-eyed man in the land of the blind lol)! It to halt the production of all capital ships not a part of Bob or his allies who are also involved in this plan (Dark SHikari is good with the markets to he may have planned it*)…but how to do this without having to actually invade and risk lots of their own ships in the process?

Keep competing alliances from having enough low-end minerals to build them

Everone knows that the majority of low end minerals are made in high sec, compressed, and then moved out to 0.0. But CCP is nerfing mineral compression and making it taking it down to 0.0 to make capital ships with (from the first eve econ dev blog) and if MC blocks all lowsec gates with their capital ships but only take out ships carrying modules they can pretty much keep most low end minerals from leaving empire space (and more for Chribba lol) and therefore make people miner their own out in 0.0...but they can do this much more slowly than other minerals so it very much limits their production of capital ships, and those are essential to removing Poses and other things like taking out other capital ships (kind of like the civil war).

*Those blue robots are weird, they make me thing he has a my little ponies collection somewhere lol

All this is part of their plan to win the war, so you have to watch out and keep this from happening to you (RA, TFC, AAA, IAC though youre in trouble already) but this is very very important. You can write this off as just another post in these forums or flame and troll all you like (though that’s kind of like 80s fassion, and is very lame) but you should really take some time. Think of it like this:

1. MC is like the philharmionic orchestra and SirMolle and DS are the composers (both of them are just too much of a weird thing, like those razors with 4 blades)

2. MC is called the mining coalition sometimes …maybe there is more to this than just a joke?

3. If you lose, youll wish you had listened to me

Otherwise you guys could end up dead like Ophelia in Othello (I saw the 1982 movie version…the girl was cute what can I say) because of your own actions.

Also, I heard that SirMolle has 1 glass eye in real life? D you?

Developer Preference for Certain Members of the Community

Summary: The Developers of EVE are unfairly allowing some people to benefit as payment for their contributions of the community.
Link: EVE Forums Link

Ok, so we’ve all heard about this big compression nerf coming up with revelations 3 with modules going up in size (100 meter BS weapons LOL nice one CCP) by a lot expecially capital ship modules (which is dumb anyway). Most people just think that this is being done because of the whole thing with jump freighters (which will be about as popular as Polka and look like it) + blockade runners and all that stuff but I think theres another reason why this be being done, and it goes back to us not being able to trust the developers of this game. I really wish CCP would just get bought by people who weren’t such bad managers (Sony would be awesome – eve on the PS3!) but anyway I feel that this situation needs to be bought to life.

CCP and the Mineral Compression Nerf is because of certain Players

Lets take a look at some of the evidence:
1. Mineral Compression nerf is mostly used for low-end ores like trit, pyer, and mex
2. Minerals like that are mostly found in high end space
3. New ore types are probably going to be found in highsec
4. There is one person who does a lot of mining of low-end ores in empire space

With all this in mind you can conclude something huge: Chribba (and hit veldnaught lol) is responsible for the mineral comp. nerf because the developers owe him for the stuff he made. Because chribba made eve-files, eve-tube, and eve-search + other sites, he is getting special treatment

How? Well let me explain it to you if you havnt figured it out already. Heres whats gonna happen:
1. Mineral compression is nerfed
2. New minerals are put in empire space giving more trit, pyer, and mexallon
3. Less ore is taken from high-sec into 0.0 even with jump freighters
4. Prices of trit and pyer go up because of new ores to hurt macrominers*
5. Chribba gets even more rich!

*the new mineral banamine (I think that’s what it’s called) is useless but macrominers will be unable to tell easily

Since trit output it nerfed by mineral compression it’s obvious that whatever methods people use to bring minerals out to 0.0 to build will be decreased, even including the new jump freighters and the boost given to blockade runners (space transports need one). But wait, there’s a different way for people to move lots of trit and such out of empire, a different way of compression related to the new capital industrial ship – the compressed minerals like compressed veldspar. Who mines veldspar all the time?! Chribba.

So he starts selling all this compressed veldspar for crazy prices and makes huge profits as a result! But what about macrominers who help keep the price down? Well CCP has been helping Chribba out here too (and I’m not surprised). The new minerals like banamine will make it harder for macrominers to turn a profit because they’ll be mining it and other types of veldspar.

This is a really stupid idea! Forcing this mineral compression change onto us (for the benefit of the chribba) is a very poor way of showing support for your players, even if he did make several eve website that look ugly anyways. It kind of helps to fix a problem but it creates more problems in its place, kind of like a few useless modules (capacitor batteries and flux capacitors anyone?) but that’s a different issue. But my point is the same.

Forcing this change on us is like overreacting to global warming and forcing us all to buy carbon points to drive our cars (yeah, that sure is an inconvenient truth eh?) or like combining American and Chinese food (I had some last night and it sucked) but either way my point is that they’re trying to fix a problem my making things even more convenient and adding or combining things that should stay separate. At the same time if we keep adding all these things (will we add more high end minerals to 0.0 now?) it’ll become too much for us to use very well and it’ll increase lag because of all that extra crap in the database too. When are all these things too much CCP? Not to mention lag-causing.

So what can we do to help fight this kind of thing? I have an idea. Whenever you lose a ship to lag or to anything related to lag (like desync), petition to get your ship back but not as a ship but as the minerals…this will put more trit and pyer into the market in 0.0 and low sec so Chribba wont be able to make as much money – maybe if we put him out of business he’ll get depressed and moved to Kusu island or something (Singapore sux anyway)

So start doing it ppl! Maybe if we can force CCP (using their own game model “players make everything”) to stop favoring Chribba they’ll at least have to find other people to hook up with though I bet considering some of their GMs they all are getting it on (especially at fanfest).

Theres more to this story that involves none other than SirMolle and Seleene (of MC) but that’s a political story so it’ll be in the alliance forums.

No EVE From Work? Boo!

Summary: CCP should facilitate playing EVE from work through hackers and ninjas.
Link: EVE Forums Link

Greetings, fellow forumgoers. I come here to discuss an important issue:
Many of us take access to the EVE servers for granted, because we generally play from the comfort of our own homes or the occasional computer lab/cyber-cafe. But there are also a great number of loyal EVE subscribers who cannot play a significant portion of their day due to an unfortunate circumstance - jobs. Unfortunately, there are few ways around these jobs for those of us over 18, which the majority of EVE's subscriber base is. Sure one can live in one's parent's basement, but that gets old and often has negative social consequences. And why should we? According to EVE's EULA, we pay our monthly fees to have access to the server, but if work interferes with this we are not getting what we paid for! Let's discuss this issue in more depth, shall we?

There are several reasons why one wouldn't be able to play EVE at work, the first of which is access. Some jobs, strangely enough, don't involve computers, and while this is unfortunate CCP can not be held responsible for providing computers, as doing so for even a small portion of the userbase would surely financially difficult, if not impossible. For those who do have computers and internet access, however, the argument is more difficult to support in favor of our good ole' Icelandic buddies.

Some of us at work don't have administrative access to our very own computers, and while this is a pain it shouldn't be our responsibility to obtain the right to install EVE's client, period. There are several elegent solutions to this problem, some of which have been discussed before, some of which have not:

1. Play EVE from a flash drive - This is entirely possible, but hinges on the computer's ability to run eve and the loyal player base purchasing a USB drive of the acceptable size, which is unreasonable. As I've stated before we already pay monthly to access EVE, we should not be expected to shell out more cash for this right.
2. Hack the password - While a less financially-intense method, many of EVE's users aren't especially good at hacking, and the repercussions if and when said hackers are caught can outweigh the benefits, depending on your devotion to internet spaceships

Now, assuming you can use some method (listed here or otherwise) to gain administrator access to the computer, you then run into the problem of ports, specifically how pesky firewalls, switches, and routers can block certain programs from transmitting or receiving information. Though any organization blocking EVE's ports is surely evil in nature, a man has to feed his family and as such cannot be fully expected to avoid employment at such agencies. Circumventing this method requires either a port forwarding application or hacking one's way into the network systems to open the EVE port back up. As I have stated previously the skill and legal questionability of this method is prohibitive for most eve players.

Solving these two problems is fairly simple - CCP needs to hire a team of hackers to make sure their players are capable of connecting to their servers anywhere, anytime (except for downtime of course). They could be contacted through the EVE-Online website or several other generic websites that would not officially be affiliated with EVE. This team could alleviate the problems of administrative access and port blocking without too much effort, and should they get caught they'll be killed so CCP cannot be implicated.

Assuming the intrepid subscriber has managed these two issues, there is a third at hand - managers. They might work in a different part of the country, but they may also frequent our cubicles, rooms, offices, or wherever we may work, and they frown upon their employees doing things that aren't productive for the man. Not all users are affected by this problem, but many are so it cannot be overlooked. One can minimize EVE, yes, but this often takes several seconds so a crafty manager may surprise us in the middle of an important mission, PvP action, or mining. Being caught isn't an acceptable option since this often results in being relieved of one's job, punishment, or tighter restrictions on computer usage making EVE all but impossible to play. Unfortunately performing the assassination of managers everywhere is unrealistic considering the number of combat-ready citizens and bullets in Iceland, so CCP cannot solve this problem. But how to hide from managers, you ask? Simple.

CCP - Create a Web-based version of EVE online Using Javascript

Take a look at Google Maps for confirmation - Javascript is here, it's here to stay, and it's definitely the future. Continually, the differences between desktop and web-based applications has grown smaller over time, and soon they'll disappear altogether. Why shouldn't CCP be at the forefront of this trend? But why Javascript and not another technology like Flash? Simple:
1. Simple, easy to learn syntax
2. Easily Expandable
3. Near-Universal browser support
4. Small program size

Coding a lite eve client entirely in Javascript would be incredibly useful and not especially difficult either. This version could be two-dimensional, borrowing from early spaced-based games in it's layout and representation of 3D space, and contain all the useful functions needed in EVE: overview, chat, market, and map. Modern computers are capable of handling a huge amount of browser overhead (any capable of playing EVE anyway) so the lack of efficiency in Javascript coding isn't really an issue here, and CCP already has a dedicated team of Python developers. Pythons is very similar to Javascript anyway, so the jump should be done without the need for much training. You know what they say, the best way to learn a language is to live it!

But we shouldn't stop at a simple client, oh no, we can do much better. EVE STRATEGIC COMMAND. An enhanced version of the Javascript client, this powerful piece of spaghetti code will manage all the functions of corporations and alliances that the lite client cannot. This could be used to FC or manage corporate affairs through an easy-to-use web interface, and it will flag any manager-type EVE players as subscribers so they won't be assassinated (when CCP can afford the ninjas).

If all this ends up being a bit too much for the EVE development team, there is an alternate answer that is just as easy - HIRE GOOGLE. Google already is the pwnsauce in pretty much everything, and I'd be willing to bet that for a small fee they'd be able to whip up an EVE Javascript client for realz. In addition, they'd sympathize with CCP's plight regarding server design and lag, since its something they must take into account when designing their networks, search engine, and various products. This will also have the effect of making Microsoft pay attention to CCP since they're using the services of a competator, resulting in better database and SQL Server support. It's a win, win, win situation!

All my reasoning is completely valid, and I don't think I've missed out on anything. CCP, let us play EVE from work!

Douglass Adams, Cloning, and the Failure of France

Summary: Er...just read it.
Link: EVE Forums Link

Everyone knows that it was Douglas Adam's last wish to be cloned several times so his excellent comedic and satirical genius could live on. They had his brain, they had the technology, and the supposedly had the power? So why did it fail?

Fellow readers, what I'm about to tell you will disappoint and shock you - the actions of Margaret Thacher and Michael Palin are responsible for the failure of the Douglas Adams cloning process. I'll outline how their actions, directly and indirectly, were the cause of economic strife in France that eventually led to the failure of CCP to successfully clone the late and great Douglas Adams. You may need some tissue for this read.

It's always been known that Douglas Adams was the pinnacle of human evolution - intelligent, creative, and humorous - what more could one want in a person? He authored the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, in addition to many other books of hilarious fiction. Society had deemed that it is his responsibility for his genes to live on at any cost, thus the idea to clone him came. Unfortunately human cloning and mind-transfer is difficult using modern computers, but there was one set of supercomputers capable of the task - the Three Magi Supercomputers, currently Controlled by NERV. Their basic program set is already based on that of a living brain (specifically, that of Ritsuko Akagi) so they were ideal of the task of deconstructing and reconstructing the cranial structure of Mr. Adams. But how would they power these massive computers without siphoning energy away from the entire continent of Japan, needed to successfully engage the 5th Angel at the time? This is where CCP comes in.

CCP has been using hamsters in their server technology for quite some time - indeed, it's a miracle that the EVE servers were ever capable of running on anything else. Aside from a few isolated incidents, server performance is generally smooth and CCP has never lost power to their data center. Hamsters have been the reason for this - they can run continuously twenty-four hours a day given the correct supplements, food, and a 5% solution of *****-******* supplied by CCP staff and friends. They had found their solution!

But on that night something went wrong - the hamsters collapsed unexpectedly from exhaustion, an event that has rarely ever occurred in EVE's history. This in itself was not a major problem since backup hamsters were already on hand, but somehow the backup hamsters failed instead! Without power, the Magi Supercomputers were not capable of completing the operation of mapping Adams' brain and the process failed. Not only did it fail, but it backfired, violently obliterating the top half of Douglas Adams' head in the process and spraying brain matter throughout the CCP server room (this debris has actually, due to the divine nature of Douglas Adams' intellect, improved server performance).

But why did the hamsters fail? Because their food supply was corrupted, that is the reason. This pollution was not in any way accidental, either. The credit for this horrible series of events that led to this disaster fall squarely on the shoulders of two individuals - Margaret Thacher and Michael Padin.

It's a known fact that Margaret Thatcher is an incorrigible *****. But the extent of her crimes run much deeper than any foul temperament, because her actions directly and indirectly contributed to the failure of the cloning process. How, you ask? Let me explain.

When Thatcher came to power, she had to deal with a mounting problem of a hunger strike launched by IRA prisoners. Instead of reasoning with the detained men, she refused to cooperate and let them continue their hunger strike for quite some time. Regardless of the political ramifications, this event had a significant impact on several different markets due to the massive drop in food consumption throughout Ireland. The consequences of this I shall discuss briefly.

The second catalyst for the events mentioned above is an incident that was resolved by Thatcher - the Falklands war. This event, precipitated by the invasion of the Falkland Islands by an Argentinean crazy person with followers and guns, had a far-reaching economic impact that was only worsened by the resolution of that conflict by Thatcher (which involved sending a task force to retake the island). She had failed to do her research, and did not realize the potential economic impact this disruption of production in the Falklands (which provides much of England's dairy products) would have on her home country.

Over several years, the impending shortage of food caused by the events mentioned above was noted by the crafty businessmen of France, and production of food - specifically dairy products - rose to record levels. It was at this time that the consumption of cheese and wine became popular, purely through the force of association created by Frances presence in both dairy and wine markets.

At approximately the same time, Monty Python became popular, specifically long-time Python member Michael Padin. This resulted in an 83% increase in bouts of uncontrollable laughter throughout the 80s and 90s across europe, which contributes to negative bowel movements and constipation. These effects were not known until recently, but responsibility for this still falls to Monty Python. Increased constipation is a well-known aspect of Enlishmen, however, so it was overlooked until relatively recently. This did contribute to the consumption of french cheese products - known to relieve intestinal discomfort - throughout the eighties.

The reliance of Europe on France-based cheeses increased throughout the eighties and nineties, but France was running into trouble - they could not keep production in pace with the demand on their economy. To cut costs and increase capacity they began introducing artificial filler materials into their cheese in order to make up for lost production. These additives had very few side effects, and none were applicable to humans. There is one, however, that stands out:

May cause sickness in hamsters in combination with exposure to the corpses of snarky authors

This quote, of incredible importance to CCP and the cloning project, was never printed on the labels of the cheese.

This same cheese, despicably, was shipped to Iceland to power the hamsters of CCPs server, who used it unknowing of the terrible effects it could have. Once they had shipped in Adams' corpse for the cloning proccess, the failure was inevitable and the process failed. From here you can quickly draw the line that leads directly back to France's economic status (specifically the reliance of the Cheese market on outside influences), Margaret Thatcher, and Michael Padin as the causes for this failure. This is only one part of the equation, though.

This same cheese, despicably, was shipped to Iceland to power the hamsters of CCPs server, who used it unknowing of the terrible effects it could have. Once they had shipped in Adams' corpse for the cloning proccess, the failure was inevitable and the process failed. From here you can quickly draw the line that leads directly back to France's economic status (specifically the reliance of the Cheese market on outside influences), Margaret Thatcher, and Michael Padin as the causes for this failure. This is only one part of the equation, though.

By using such a high concentration of cheese in their hamster fuel, CCP has opened themselves up to this kind of catastrophe. A balanced diet might have averted this disaster as the hamsters might not have received fatal doses of the cheese. Whose fault does this eventually fall to? None other than senior Database Administrator CCP PrismX, whose responsibilities include but are not limited to researching the diet of server hamsters. Though the warning was never printed, it had clearly been posted on their website for easy reference. Shame on you, CCP PrismX. Shame.

CCP, how much more of this do we have to tolerate before you learn?

High-Sec Capitals - Playtoys of the Devs and Painful for Us

Summary: Capital Ships in high-security space benefits few at the expense of many.
Link: EVE Forum Link

Capital Ships – the Bread and Butter of industrial production. The most powerful single vessels in the game. Unmatched in power and beauty, and sources of great pride for their owners. Sadly, these ships are limited only to low-security space and 0.0 space, to be used only for massive battles and territorial control. Right? RIGHT?!

WELL NOT ANY ******* MORE!

I have personally seen, and several friends and trusted friends have seen, carriers, dreadnoughts, and motherships operating with impunity in high security space, not just by normal players, but by CCP’s obvious preferred alliances like BoB and RA, and also the developers themselves. What the hell is wrong with you guys?

I’m not the first and I’m certainly not the last person who has seen several members of high-ranking alliances (such as BoB of course!) using capital ships in and out of high security space! A simple trip to any market hub will prove my point. I’ve seen the following people, in high-sec space with carriers or dreadnoughts on many occasions. A few of these people even take them MINING for christ’s sake, as if to throw it in our faces how useless we are to take down these ships! I’ve seen the following characters in the Amarr system using capital ships:
1. Chribba
2. Oveur
3. Kieron
4. High Ranking members of BoB
5. The CEO of Red Alliance

It’s possible to see any number of those I have listed above using these capital ships (screenshot). I’ve noticed that they apparently don’t travel very fast – as this make up for the fact that they have capital ships there to begin with – but not only can they exist there, they can use jump gates like normal ships! WTF!

I haven’t seen these ships used in combat yet but obviously the devs and their friends can use them with impunity anyways, it’s not like CONCORD can break the tank of a frigging carrier LOL. There’s really no reason that these ships should be around these areas since their high sec and I can’t see any other reason like testing because that’s done on the test server of course! After having gone around and checked these guys out a bit I think I know why they’re doing this.

1.EVE Developers don’t like normal players

This one is obvious. If any of you paid attention to the forums and EVE in February there were some people in the developers that cheated and helped out their buddies (BOB, is anyone surprised? NO!) by giving them T2 BPOs and other things of high value. It’s obvious that until we fire all the devs and get moral and competent ones we’re going to have this problem. But apparently giving people BPOs isn’t enough, now they’re taking capital ships and letting their friends take capital ships into high security space, and even letting them use jump gates! Who cares if they can only use them slowly, it still shouldn’t be possible in any way whatsoever.

2.Devs want us out of high security space

Everyone knows that devs think that empire space is only for cowards and n00bs – you can make much more money out in 0.0 and youre even safer half of the time. But apparently that’s just not enough for them, they want to make us go out into 0.0 by taking these huge ships that shouldn’t be there and showing them off, making lots of people think that those are good reasons to go out into 0.0 and do all the stupid blob warfare that everyone seems to hate so much, lol, good reasoning guys. I guess they just want people out of Jita.

3.They’re trying to make up for something
At last fanfest the devs themselves said that capital ships and supercapital ships are not cost effective and that they’re just giant ****s! Obviously these people are feeling bad about themselves and have to make up for it by going around and ganking people in high security space with those ships (that can’t be killed).

It’s obvious that the devs are strolling these ships around for no good reason – someone told me people do it to haul cargo…LOL whatever – where they shouldn’t go and where they aren’t allowed. It doesn’t matter if they’re really slow because you can’t fight them and CONCORD can’t even fight them. In fact I saw some people attack them not too long ago and CONCORD spawned and helped the capital ship, which is just another reason not to trust anyone that’s part of the developers.

I’m asking you to do something here. I know that everyone in EVE doesn’t trust the deveopers anymore because theyre obviously corrupt but maybe they don’t know it yet. I want everyone to sign this and send a clear message to all the developers that we won’t tolerate all of this corruption any more, all of their capitals being used in high sec and the unequal treatment. EVE, unite against this stupidity!

P.S. Oh and by the way the Phobos is obviously some stupid joke or just another thing for the devs to fly to make them feel better about themselves, LOL

P.S.S Oh and by the way, some stupid guy on here sent me a message that yeah there are girls who work on eve, LOL whatever because I haven’t seen any and I don’t think there are any since girls generally don’t like spaceships anyway. If bet that if there really is a girl that works on EVE she’s fat and looks like Ms. Piggy and would be about as annoying too. Well don’t bother because I already have a girlfriend and she’s pretty hot anyway.